This morning, I didn't want to get out bed. Didn't feel rested and just dreaded the day. I figured it was just normal staying up too late and getting up early after vacation.
I took my Vitalbiome and went and ran with Ella. It was a decent run even thought it was slower than our normal.
Still didn't feel good. I got in the shower and just wanted to cry, but it wouldn't come. Why couldn't I just let whatever out?
So I keep going through the motions. Had my pink drink and Metaburn. Got dressed. Left for work. The drive was unremarkable. Traffic not too bad.
I get to work and you know what I want- really, really want? Alcohol. Wine or margarita. I've said before I totally understand why people become alcoholics- they probably self medicate from the world. I wanted to. Ugh. Didn't feel like crying anymore though. Just wish I could disappear.
I started feeling nauseated. Sick to my stomach. Feeling awful. I put on Facebook asking for prayers. Then immediately felt bad like I was attention seeking. It's so hard to ask for help when you want to be strong.
Had my BioCleanse.
I finally ate something at lunch. I wasn't hungry but the nauseating feeling was worse. I didn't pack anything, so I ate what I call a grown up lunch able and a cliff bar.
I relaxed for awhile and read my book. It's funny, so that helps.
I started messaging some friends in my Plexus groups- I'm heartbroken for some of my good friends and frustrated with others. Being in the mood I've been in today doesn't help. I want to scream at some of them. I want to cry for others. I want to slap sense in some people who are looking for a get rich quick and/or looking for magic weight loss through another company. I want to cry for people who are feeling betrayed, lied to, and conned.
I just want to say the grass isn't greener, magic weight loss doesn't happen, and I'm not budging.
Took my second dose of BioCleanse in the afternoon. Felt like a con the more people who commented support and prayers for me on my post- although Lord knows I need it. I'm crying now thinking about how much I need it.
Worked a little late because I got busy. Texted a friend trying to help her with a very sick son (who by the way is on the way to the hospital- so prayers for him). On the drive home got some road rage- today was cut Sarah off day on 417. Talked to a good Plexus friend and vented my concerns and frustration about previous things.
Walked in the door at home not hungry but mad, sad, upset and stomach churning with nausea again. I walk in and no cold water in the fridge. Ugh. I go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper on the roll and I want to punch someone. Gosh I'm in an awesome mood.
I ate some lasagna to stop the stomach problems. It was okay. I didn't really taste it.
Then I started typing. But I'm so exhausted. I'm not sure why mental and emotional exhaustion is so physically overwhelming, but here we are. Still want to cry. Still won't come.
What a day.
I want to be strong. I want to be positive. I want to feel better. I want to not feel like crying. I want to have an exact reason to cry and feel this bad. And I actually have a list. But listing them feels like whining. Feels like complaining. Feels like weakness. Feels like not being grateful.
Things could be worse. But I feel like I'm failing my son. I feel like he's regressing. I feel like he may never be successful. I feel like when we still have some diagnoses and answers we don't have them all. That we're not doing enough. That we'd never be able to afford what it would take to be enough. That I'm not helping others enough. That I'm not a good enough wife. That I'm not a good enough NP. That I'm not a good enough friend. That I don't take care of my house enough. That I don't take care of anything enough.
And I will tell you a HUGE part of this is the junk I ate all weekend. Sugar and junk cause gut inflammation. Gut inflammation decreases serotonin. Serotonin is what makes us feel good. I don't feel good. I was feeling bad. I was doing better with eating and my moods were better. 4 days of junky food that progressively got worse and here I am. Back in the basement. Lower than the basement.
So I don't want to. This is me. Today. Grey's is almost over. Time to take my Probio5, Mega-x and Ease and tuck in.
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