Naps and Moods

Like my title?   So, if you haven't already noticed, when things are going well in the LeMaster household, you get daily posts!  When things are stressful, my posts decrease.

Depression and anxiety are strange creatures.  I mean, they aren't creatures at all.  They're brain chemicals messing up your whole body.  They interact throughout life and change moment to moment. 

I have never napped as much as I have the last 2 weeks of January and first week of February.  I can't decide if it's all the anxiety and depression, or partially because of working less so I had the opportunity? 

I seriously wonder if there's something else going on other than moods and stress.  Kind of hard to tell when it's all stress all the time. 

We now have insurance- which means time to set up a lot of appointments.  Dermatology, Allergist, Eye doctor, Psychiatrist, Neuropsychiatrist, Counseling, bloodwork and normal check ups.   Some of these now have to change due to insurance benefits.  Then we think we find someone covered, and they don't actually take the insurance.  Not to mention the costs- copays, deductibles, not covered services. 

I have a job, but don't have set hours.  We have money in savings, but not much coming in.  We don't qualify for aide.  So while we aren't in any danger right now, it's a constant worry in the back of my head.

Eli's school work is possibly taking another turn.  We have been struggling and researching different options including non-traditional routes.  I know I'll get flack for doing what I'm really leaning towards right now, but I also think it's probably the best route.  So I'm digging, looking into programs, looking at research, thinking outside of the box and the whole time knowing in the back of my head people will judge me and think I'm doing the wrong thing.  And I'm worried about them being right. 

My exercise and eating healthy is a roller coaster.  Good days, bad days, just get through it all days, just screw it all days. 

Overall I'm doing much better this week.   Smoothies almost every day for breakfast, salads for most lunches, lots of fresh fruits and veggies for snacks.  Dinners mostly meats and veggies.  For valentines day we splurged with a nice meal- poor man's steak with onion/mushroom gravy (a hamburger patty with gravy and caramelized onions and mushrooms on it), roasted broccoli, roasted yellow potatoes, and sweet Hawaiian Rolls.  Cheesecake for dessert.  So good and a nice dinner at home. 

So there's my update for now.  Crazy time, crazy life, blessed but stressed.  Sums it up.

Blessings in Health and Happiness-

Exhaustion

My brain.  Today is a day where everything is just swirling inside.  Good thoughts, bad thoughts, exhaustion (mentally and emotionally, not physically). 

Fear.  Fear of things happening in the world.  Coronavirus, natural disasters, political crap.

Hope.  Hope for future things.  Ella duel enrollment, Eli possible services or change in school or both.

Trying to get things checked off the list.  But one or two things get done and then I don't want to anymore. 

Eli didn't feel like doing school.  Me neither.  We do it.  Then I don't want to do my stuff.  Brain is done. 

I'm sure this might not make sense.  If your brain hasn't been done before you got up for the day, you may not understand.  Someone posted this.  It spoke to me.  Don't mind the language. 

Sorry.  Kind of.

So this morning I got up despite not wanting to.  Worked out with husband.  I was happy about it. 

Then I did this little workout thing and walked on the treadmill. 

Drank water, took my vitalbiome, drank my Slim, and more water.  

Late breakfast had my Lean with collagen smoothie.  I was a little better right then.  Eli also had a smoothie which made me feel like a winning mom.

I took my x-factor, Metaburn, and antidepressant with it.  Considering upping the dose.

Water, water, water, BioCleanse.  Big ole salad for lunch. 

Water, Water, a Few Peanut M&Ms, water. BioCleanse, then Active.  Then I resumed my fast except water.  

Evening is weird for me.  If I don't eat, I'm not hungry. But I know from experience if I eat ONE thing even it'll turn it all on and I'll want to eat it all!  For better fasting I should have had extra protein, but didn't feel like it. 

So before bed I'll have Probio5, Mega-x and Ease.  

Water, water, water. 

Grace needs to be on the menu too I think.

Blessings in health and happiness-

I'm tired of coming up with titles

...so that's the title.

That's what I got today.  Low energy and motivation.

However, Ella got my out of bed this morning and we ran intervals and did a little extra!

Had some water, my Vitalbiome, and Slim.  

For breakfast was my smoothie with Lean and Collagen, X-factor, Metaburn and antidepressant. 

More water, water, water, BioCleanse, a few girl scout cookies (what?!) and water.  I decided that January didn't count.  It's been such a crazy roller coaster. What I post isn't even half of it, and I'm pretty dang transparent.  I also am just so tired.  I don't know if it's the meds, the crazy sleep schedules off and on because of races and changes in routine, or what.  But it's nuts. 

Late afternoon I had a salad (and lets be honest, a couple more thin mints and a handful of M&Ms) and not pictured some ham with it.  

Water, water, water, BioCleanse.  

I skipped dinner because I wanted to fast a little and I know hormonal speaking evening is best, and I've had a little too much junk food (all day Saturday at Epcot) so my stomach is wondering what the heck I'm doing to it.  

So much more water, Probio5, Mega-X, and Ease and going to bed soon. 

Going to get up and drag my husband out of bed for workout tomorrow!

Blessings in Health and Happiness-

No to stress eating....okay cheesecake is fine.

Sooooo... last night I had a little headache and wasn't feeling awesome emotionally, so I didn't do my food journal- so this will cover today and yesterday. 

So yesterday I got up, had my Vitalbiome, Slim and Active, then went on an interval run with Ella.

Breakfast was my Lean and Collagen smoothie with my X-factor, Ease and Metaburn

Then I took Eli in for his testing. Drank lots of water, had my BioCleanse.  Eli needed a snack and came out and we shared some strawberries. 

Then lunch was a hodge podge of stuff I could pack.  Boiled eggs, turkey meat, grapes, and carrots. 

More water, some BioCleanse, and water.  When we got home, I made BBQ chicken pizzas on low-carb flat breads and had it with Caesar Salad.  

Honestly, I also ate some skittles.  The truth.  Mentally it was a very rough day for me.....so there.  Had my Probio5, Mega-X, Ease, and antidepressant and went to bed.  

I didn't get up to work out with my husband, but he was good and did his workout. I had my Vitalbiome, Slim and Active.  Then I ran a mile then did a Plexus beginner workout from the Facebook page.  

Then I had my Lean and Collagen smoothie with x-factor and Metaburn.  Some dingbat ran out of Ease.  Whoops.  

Water, Water, Water, BioCleanse, cheese stick.  

Then a banana....

Lunch was supposed to be a low carb spinach wrap but I maybe only ate 5 bites.  Didn't taste good. 

I had another cheese stick (not pictured) and lots of water, more BioCleanse and then dinner was mexican rice, turkey smoked sausage, and green beans.  It really hit the spot.  

So since emotionally it has been a rough day, my mom brought over cheesecake.  Definitely enabling, but I'm okay with some self medication for today, since I did actually workout.  

So now I'm satisfied although still in the dumps.  I haven't had this rough of an emotional time since starting on medications.  I know why- Eli's testing and subsequent fight on school work since restarting school.  The worry of if I'm doing the right things.  All of that.  

So Probio5, Mega-X and some antidepressants and off to bed. 

Blessings in Health and Happiness-

Checking in.

So the last few days have been still trying to get my to-do list my already done list.  I've made pretty decent progress, but with a week leading up to Christmas that we're traveling for- it's not the easiest thing. 

I think medication might be kicking in.  I know that it takes time and tapering (I mean, I do prescribe the stuff too), but yesterday I had way less negative self talk in my head and had a little more energy.   Not to mention I'm looking forward to January, I'm even starting to not dread Christmas.  I mean, on my phone to-do list I put on my phone says to "pack for the trauma session named Christmas".  So looking hopeful.

Random Graffiti on the bathroom stall at work

So exercise check in- while I'm not where I'd like to be, my mom and I are doing a 12k of christmas virtual race with my son.  So you have to run 1k a day- and Eli has to do it too.  So every day since the 12th I've done at least 1k (0.62 miles).  I've had 2 days where I've ran with Ella and done more.  I plan on doing a full 12k one single day (7.4 miles I think) like I did the last time I did this virtual race- probably Saturday.  So I'm moving every day which is a great thing.

Eating check in- well.  There appears to have been a struggle.  Just kidding, mostly.  I'm still having my smoothies every morning.  Work days I ate out at least once each day and didn't have salad so that's not good.  Last night was freezer pizza, so that's not good. But I've also had ham and veggies and salad another night.   So basically mixed bag- pretty much where I was all last year.  Not ideal.

That being said- on my to-do list is to meal plan with the family for the new years.  Also exercise plan.  They all said they want to be on board!  This is a huge deal!!!   Doing it alone is not only hard but if everyone in your house is eating junk and you can't control yourself around junk.....well you aren't exactly setting yourself up for success!

Actually, Lyle and I are signing up for a New Years Weight Loss/Healthy Living Challenge through Plexus.  It's called the ReNew You challenge and Starts anytime after January 1st. 

Many prizes including $10,000 for the winner!  They have meal plans (we're going to use it to help our meal plans), support, exercise ideas and more.  Here's the package Lyle and I are getting- which Ella will definitely be stealing some meal replacements and Active from because she loves them both.  And fine with me- teenager choosing healthy options?  No worries. 

  I'm actually looking for more people to be accountability partners too.  I have some coupon codes for people who sign up with me for discounts on some fitness gear to sweeten the deal a little too. 

I'm going to do weekly weigh in and meal planning- both online and in person, so if you want a full experience with support get with me and get on my team!  

Another reason I think my meds are kicking in- I'm not only looking forward to my family being healthier, but I'm wanting to help others again too!

Blessings in Health and Happiness-

No judgement until the meds kick in....

So it's been 5 days since my post and I still haven't been the best with both healthy eating or doing my food journal.  I'm giving myself grace. 

I shared on my Facebook wall this week my thoughts on anxiety, depression and a visual of a cup overflowing.....Here's it copied if you haven't seen it. 

"We often think of cup overflowing as a good thing- as in the Bible talks of cup of blessings overflowing.

But I think to use a cup analogy for anxiety/depression/mental health issues and stress.

We all have a cup. And our life stress goes into that cup. Everything good and bad. New job? Dump in there. Broke your foot? Dump in too. Got to get out of bed? Put a little more in.

Some of these stresses are just a few drops and rarely matter in the big picture. Some are huge even if they’re good.

Now, what empties the cup? Your normal coping mechanisms. Exercise, eating healthy, sleeping, music, books, movies, video games, meditation, prayer. Whatever works for you. Life isn’t always easy, but is good because it works.

Now let’s say some more stress comes, once again, good or bad. And your cup starts overflowing. Now what?

Sometimes we can pick up a few more coping things we don’t always do. Take a vacation, get a massage, have a night out with friends, vent to someone. Sometimes this works.

Sometimes, however, your other coping mechanisms stop working. You didn’t even hear the music. You read the same book page 10 times. You were so tense the massage hurt instead of feeling good. And you know what happens? You’re in a flood. The cup is just spilling everywhere with no end in sight.

This is where mental health issues like anxiety or depression or others rear their head with a vengeance. You may have some mild anxiety, but with this cup overflowing you can’t handle anything and might be freaking out about dinner for no reason. You may have some mild blues but when the cup is pouring everywhere you cry over a toy in the middle of the floor. Or go to bed wishing you don’t wake up. Not always wanting to harm yourself, but also wouldn’t be bad to not have to do “it” anymore.

When this is happening even the small pours like getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing your teeth can be a huge undertaking because the house is flooding from the cup running over and even that drop or two makes it worse.

What do you do when the cup is flooding?? There’s no right answer there. Coping mechanisms have to happen even though it’s another chore. You have to eat healthy, exercise and get sunshine. Treat yourself like a complicated plant or pet for awhile. Medication can help add another drain spout to the cup. Therapy and counseling can help with new coping mechanisms. If you are thinking of harming yourself or others you need inpatient treatment short term to get a little out of that cup so you’re safe. If you can decrease any stress- and sometimes we can and sometimes we can’t- then do it.

Why is this on my mind? Because we have some puddles in my house from cups. Because I know some friends have puddles too. Because I know using those tools isn’t always easy, and sometimes you can’t see or know the tools unless someone says it right up front. Because while mental health is less of a stigma today, it’s also a bigger (in my opinion) problem today.

We live in an amazing technological age that is sucking our souls dry, doesn’t keep us nourished and doesn’t give us quiet time. I might not be an expert on everything, but I sure know this is right for me and many others. I hope this gives someone hope today to keep working on their cup and know they aren’t alone."

 I've been struggling for months as I've chronicled here.  Some days are worse than others.  I've been on medication for anxiety/depression before but have been successful in staying off medication for over 5 years.  This week, I finally admitted to myself fully that I need it again.  My cup is pouring all over the place.  I'm suffering trying to do healthy coping mechanisms because of how low I am.  So I've started the medication, with the hope that come January 1st the medication will start to help so I can really hit the new year strong.  Plexus is doing a New Years Challenge with Prizes and fun things- I really want to participate and do well like I did a few years ago!  I want to work on being a healthier, happier me so I can be the best mom and wife I can be.   I'm hoping to get some friends to do the Plexus stuff for accountability- and they have prizes for partners too if someone wins a prize.  Sounds good to me!  Tomorrow we'll get more information and I'll be posting more about what's going on. 

Blessings in Health and Happiness-

Working on Me

Sorry for the radio silence to those who have been stalking me in a non-creepy (I hope) way. 

The month of November has had it's ups and downs without a doubt.  Job searching, important appointments, stress of regular life....

First I found out that my job was ending January 1st 2020.  The company has been amazing with how they are working it out for us (in my opinion).  They could have shut the doors and said bye.  Instead they gave us 2 months notice, those of us with at least a year get severance packages based on our length of service, and we'll get our PTO all paid out.  In addition, we also got our bonus checks we already earned (thank you Christmas money!).   So all in all, it worked for the second best (of course the best being not closing).     So the next thing is finding a job that's flexible, part time, and hopefully with benefits.  This was a challenge the first time and not sure it's possible a second time.  I set my sights on flexible with the knowledge I may be shopping for health insurance for the family.   Within 2 weeks I had 2 interviews.  I had second interviews with everyone within 4 weeks of finding the clinic closed and accepted a job that was flexible but no insurance and got 2 more emails afterwards asking for interviews.  I'm blessed to have the background and networking to have options and I'm very looking forward to my new job.  Now I have to shop for insurance. 

Second, my eating.  If you've been stalking my food journal you know that I don't do horrible but I'm sure not the picture of health either.  Well, last Sunday (the 24th) was kind of traumatizing.  I know that word sounds a little over-the-top but that's what it was/is/still is.  I went to church service where the sermon started really great. About doing things that give glory to God. About blessing our bodies. About how small victories lead up to large victories. I even was thinking about how it would be cool if a group of people got together for meal planning with that in my- blessing our bodies.  Rachel Hollis talks about that too- she eats foods that bless her body, not make her feel better.  Anyway, I digress.  It was going well until the person speaking brought up not accepting other people for being different.  I don't have exact quotes, because the recording was from the second service and apparently he didn't go so far into the hatred rabbit hole.  But he essentially judging other people's sins as worse than anything he has done- particularly on the subjects of pre-marital sex, abortion, genders, gay, and love between people.  I even wrote in my journal "hate much? Ugh." and "God said to love."   I was literally sick to my stomach.  I should have gotten up and made a scene or at least left.  Even now, over a week later it bothers me.    So what does church have to do with eating?  It sent me on a spiral.  Tons of snacks. Lots of food. Yes, I had my greens most days-so that's something- but the rest of the time it was not pretty.    But a week later, the trauma that a comforting Mass later that day couldn't erase. That exercising every day (go me) didn't undo.  That starting each day saying 'I'm going to do better' didn't really help.   

Friday I re-drew another line in the sand.  I feel like my sand piles blow quickly. I fasted for 72 hours (scientifically 4-5 days is actually best for a body reset- but it's actually pretty easy for me to fast on my work days so that's what I did).  Water, vitamins and nothing else.  This video came up on Sunday and I love it- this is what I'm talking about 1,000,000%.  Health is a journey, not a destination. Not perfection.  It gave me hope back.  https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=719352478555534 (not sure how this will show up- it's on facebook).   I broke my fast with salad.  I did have some pizza- 2 slices and one was thin crust with a lot of veggies.  My plan today is worked out ahead of time.  I know what I'm eating and when.  I have a plan. And I'm sticking. 

Third is Eli.  We had a follow up with his neuropsychologist and I've been chewing it around in my head for several days before I could put what I believe he was telling me onto paper.  So we're getting more testing done.  It's not clear if he should be in the intellectual disability area or general education area, so we're retesting in January (yes, when we don't have insurance anymore.)   My biggest goal with Eli has been getting him labeled not for our sake, but for sake of services he could need.  One thing I know about Eli is he has autistic traits- could we get the diagnosis so he could have services easier?   The doctor will do more tests, but said he prefers to be more clear and concise on his diagnoses.  The thing is that now we know about his genetic disorder (which we didn't last year when we saw him) it actually makes things more clear and more complicated at the same time.  He said genetic problems like Eli's effect how the protein in the brain forms and how the connections in his brain form so while he may have many traits of many different problems- autism, ADHD, dyslexia- he may not truly have a diagnosis of any like a typical person.  He likely won't fit into any one box because it could be any proteins in any parts of his brain affected.  He acknowledged that the ADHD diagnoses may even not be completely correct and the fact that we've struggled to understand him- this is why.   He gave a much clearer explanation on how and why this genetic problem plays a part into Eli.  We still don't have clear answers on where to go next- but we're going to do further testing, I need to set up a sleep study for him, and we are going to try to get Eli a scholarship to pay for occupational therapy and speech therapy outside of the school to work on more than their realm covers.   We also have a follow up with genetics this month. 

Fourth is my Plexus business.  I love it. I love sharing and helping people get healthy.  But honestly I've ignored it all of November, and December isn't looking good.  I know I would feel worse without my products, but with the struggle with anxiety and depression, and life throwing me knocks it's been hard.  It's hard to reach out to others for normal everyday things.  So it's hard to reach out and say "I feel like crap now because of life but these products may help you not feel like crap."  That's the truth, but I don't have the motivation to say it.  It's also hard because I've been a leader for our team for a long time, and I feel like I'm phoning it in.  Actually I know I am. 

I have a plan for December and the future for all of these.  For the month of December I'm giving myself grace on my Plexus business.  I've signed up for Super Saturday in January and that's going to be my relaunch.  For the month of December I'm going to get Eli's appointments and paperwork done ASAP (hopefully today) and then forget about it all until appointments come.  We're going to keep our day to day routine.   For the month of December, I'm going to go hard core on eating.  I know what to do.  It's just doing it.  It's doing it without beating yourself up, but not being stupid.  Eat the stupid salad- as Rachel Hollis says it.  I'm going to exercise daily, I'm going to go to bed without a book so I go to sleep at a decent hour. I'm going to be the healthiest me possible by New Years and ride that wave to January.    For the month of December, I'll finish my scheduled hours doing the best for my patient's.  January 2nd I start my new job.  And it will be awesome, I know it! 

I'm going to try to get back to daily or at least every other daily journal so you can follow me. 

Blessings in Health and Happiness-

 

Do more instead of restriction

I've had this idea stewing in my mind for awhile now and after a difficult to sleep night (thanks people down the road with ATVs and loud trucks until 3 AM) and a postponed run due to cold and wet, I'm getting a chance to put it down "on paper". 

As many know, I'm riding the struggle bus trying to get back into my good habits that I gradually slipped out of due to stress and life.  I've also struggled with moods (anxiety and depressive symptoms) that lead to negative self talk and the circle of bad habits continuing.   I have some good days and some bad days and going in general in the right direction (which in my opinion trying to go somewhere even if you don't get anywhere is still further than those who don't try!).  

But it's a struggle.  

I was listening to a podcast the other day on nutrition and parenting differently wired kids.  The nutritionist was talking about how many children who are differently wired also have nutritional deficits which make the problems worse (which I already knew and tried to change up Eli's eating habits and that was more stress added to me).   Her recommendation for parents is to NOT take away any certain foods, but concentrate on adding in more nutrients.  Add in new foods that have high nutrients and it'll gradually take up the space that bad foods held. 

Here's the thing- Rachel Hollis has talked before about why she always has people start with adding water to their routine, because it's easier to add something than take away.   I know this to be true.  People are more likely to add exercise than to change their diet- and then often get mad because exercise alone won't help significantly with weight.  But still....I've seen it hundreds of times.  But no one (at least to me) has said out loud about doing this with food.  Rachel Hollis doesn't do this with food either.  She recommends restriction- but only one thing at a time so it's more attainable.  Which I appreciate, but isn't working for me right now.  

We worry about don't eat this- eat that instead.  Why instead?  To piggy back on my thoughts last week about greens.  Just think about how much the world would change if we ate more greens?  

Why not the first goal be eat more of something healthy?   

For my last 90 days, the first 30 I gave up drinkable calories except my Plexus products.  After the 30 days I had 2 sips of Pepsi that made me want to throw up it was so syrupy sweet, and a margarita which was somewhat disappointing and I haven't had more since.  I honestly don't plan on having any more before the end of the year except maybe Christmas time.  

The second 30 days I talked about eliminating diary, specifically cheese.  That lasted until Wine and Dine (the 3rd day).  Whoops.  I have had less but have not been good about staying away and honestly the negative self talk is not doing me any good with beating myself up for having some and then stress eating for failing.  

So.  Along with what I'm already doing- trying to clean up. Trying to be more whole foods based in general.  Continuing to avoid drinking calories except my Plexus products.  I'm going to ADD at least 3 servings of greens daily.  

This will get more nutrition in, get more fiber in, fill me up which can help snacking, and I don't have to restrict more right now when I'm not in the mental state for restriction to work.  

I know this won't have major body changes quickly, but I don't want that anyway.  I mean, who wouldn't like that, but that's not the point.   I want to be healthy and happy.  People can not be that way eating processed food, fast food all the time, and high sugar things.   We need whole foods.  We need vitamins and minerals.  We need fuel to keep us going.  But the bad stuff is addictive and quite frankly easier.   So I hope this will be another positive step in the right direction, the healthy direction.  One that doesn't make negative self talk take up my head-space. One that after 30 days of getting the greens I can add another thing.  And as I add more good, it takes up space the bad would inhabit.  That's the goal. 

Blessings in Health and Happiness-

A new day.

Happy Friday.  I went to bed early last night, and woke up feeling better. 

Appetite still a little low, so I had my Vitalbiome, Slim and Metaburn before leaving the house.

I had some chick-fil-a for breakfast- I only ate the breakfast bowl because it filled me up!  Had my x-factor and ease. 

Lots and lots of water, BioCleanse in the midmorning.

Water, water, water.  Lunch was the fruit bowl from Chick-fil-A and a protein bar.  Filled me up.

Mid afternoon I had BioCleanse, Slim and Active!  All day long today I didn't have much negative self talk and definitely not the doom and gloom from yesterday.  I am very thankful for all the well wishes and prayers. 

Dinner that was balanced on the way home was more chick-fil-a.  Whoops.   It was just a chicken sandwich.  No fries or drinks.  I was going to have a Lean meal replacement but I drank all 12 bottles of water I took to work with me! 

Water rockstar today!

Now I'm tired and actually looking forward to getting up and running tomorrow.  I think not eating much yesterday, which wouldn't feed the bad mood bacteria was actually kind of a good thing.  Let's keep it rolling!

Time for Probio5, Mega-X, and Ease and bed!

Blessings in Health and Happiness-

The sky is falling...

So my title is from Grey's Anatomy.  I'm watching it right now.  But it works well for my mood today.

This morning, I didn't want to get out bed.  Didn't feel rested and just dreaded the day.  I figured it was just normal staying up too late and getting up early after vacation.

I took my Vitalbiome and went and ran with Ella.  It was a decent run even thought it was slower than our normal.

Still didn't feel good.  I got in the shower and just wanted to cry, but it wouldn't come.  Why couldn't I just let whatever out?

So I keep going through the motions.  Had my pink drink and Metaburn.  Got dressed.  Left for work.  The drive was unremarkable. Traffic not too bad. 

I get to work and you know what I want- really, really want?  Alcohol.  Wine or margarita.  I've said before I totally understand why people become alcoholics- they probably self medicate from the world.  I wanted to.  Ugh.   Didn't feel like crying anymore though.  Just wish I could disappear. 

I started feeling nauseated.  Sick to my stomach.   Feeling awful.  I put on Facebook asking for prayers.  Then immediately felt bad like I was attention seeking.  It's so hard to ask for help when you want to be strong. 

Had my BioCleanse.

I finally ate something at lunch. I wasn't hungry but the nauseating feeling was worse.  I didn't pack anything, so I ate what I call a grown up lunch able and a cliff bar.

I relaxed for awhile and read my book. It's funny, so that helps.  

I started messaging some friends in my Plexus groups- I'm heartbroken for some of my good friends and frustrated with others.  Being in the mood I've been in today doesn't help.  I want to scream at some of them. I want to cry for others.  I want to slap sense in some people who are looking for a get rich quick and/or looking for magic weight loss through another company.  I want to cry for people who are feeling betrayed, lied to, and conned.  

I just want to say the grass isn't greener, magic weight loss doesn't happen, and I'm not budging.  

Took my second dose of BioCleanse in the afternoon.  Felt like a con the more people who commented support and prayers for me on my post- although Lord knows I need it.  I'm crying now thinking about how much I need it.  

Worked a little late because I got busy.  Texted a friend trying to help her with a very sick son (who by the way is on the way to the hospital- so prayers for him).  On the drive home got some road rage- today was cut Sarah off day on 417.   Talked to a good Plexus friend and vented my concerns and frustration about previous things.  

Walked in the door at home not hungry but mad, sad, upset and stomach churning with nausea again.   I walk in and no cold water in the fridge.  Ugh.   I go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper on the roll and I want to punch someone.  Gosh I'm in an awesome mood.

I ate some lasagna to stop the stomach problems.  It was okay.  I didn't really taste it.  

Then I started typing.  But I'm so exhausted.  I'm not sure why mental and emotional exhaustion is so physically overwhelming, but here we are.  Still want to cry.  Still won't come.  

What a day.  

I want to be strong.  I want to be positive.  I want to feel better.  I want to not feel like crying.  I want to have an exact reason to cry and feel this bad.  And I actually have a list.  But listing them feels like whining.  Feels like complaining.  Feels like weakness.  Feels like not being grateful.  

Things could be worse.  But I feel like I'm failing my son.  I feel like he's regressing.  I feel like he may never be successful.  I feel like when we still have some diagnoses and answers we don't have them all.  That we're not doing enough. That we'd never be able to afford what it would take to be enough.  That I'm not helping others enough.  That I'm not a good enough wife.  That I'm not a good enough NP.  That I'm not a good enough friend.  That I don't take care of my house enough.  That I don't take care of anything enough. 

And I will tell you a HUGE part of this is the junk I ate all weekend.  Sugar and junk cause gut inflammation.  Gut inflammation decreases serotonin.  Serotonin is what makes us feel good.  I don't feel good.  I was feeling bad.  I was doing better with eating and my moods were better.  4 days of junky food that progressively got worse and here I am. Back in the basement.  Lower than the basement. 

So I don't want to.  This is me.  Today.   Grey's is almost over.  Time to take my Probio5, Mega-x and Ease and tuck in. 

A new week starts now

Today I woke up tired with life.  See, this is one of the best part of mental health/mood problems.  There's not always a reason.

Some people don't understand this.  I've had 3 wonderful days on the beach, relaxing, doing whatever I want, hearing the waves while I sleep and I woke up wanting to cry.  I KNOW there is no reason for it, but it doesn't matter.  That's how brains work. They do what they want.

I also really think it's the extra processed/carbs/junk I've been eating.  Adding inflammation to my body and decreasing serotonin in my gut and therefor my brain.  What a fun merry go round we ride.

After a miserable run, I'm feeling good again and ready to relax.  Crazy how it works, right?  But physical activity is definitely mental therapy.  Go move!

Had my Slim and Metaburn on my balcony this morning....

My exercise this morning was supposed to be a 4 mile run, but since the circles at our resort is a form of torture I combined the C210k with a 3.1 mile run/walk/weird interval thing.  So I did what I could.

Breakfast has been sharing a blueberry muffin of amazingness with Ella and a cup of apple cinnamon oatmeal.

Water, BioCleanse and some fruit snacks for a snack.

Lunch was a cold meat sandwich, microwave mac and cheese, fruit and veggies.  Do I know how to party or what?

Lots more water, BioCleanse and didn't have any snacks!

Dinner was a nice sit down meal.  I had pot roast with veggies, I ate maybe half.  Had a few dinner rolls, split some crab cakes with Ella and Lyle, and later Ella and I split a cupcake.

The food has been great, but honestly I'm ready to be home and get back in my good routine.  My stomach and energy level will be thanking me.  

I am proud to say I've stuck with my Last 90 Day no drinkable calories.  No alcohol or soda, even though it's sounded good. 

So I'm keeping one big promise to myself!

Blessings in Health and Happiness-